They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I saw nothing