they should invent a hydrating liquor
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Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.