They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Haha good job!!
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there