They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)


If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”


I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.


not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact


When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.


Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care


My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.


Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.