@crashcampbell84

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

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@GirltoMom

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

@9GAG

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

@coolgirl0nline

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

@SaraESpivey

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

@Home_Halfway

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

@kelkulus

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.