They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
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WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
a public service announcement
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
need him
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.