They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats