@YoungNobler

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

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@ilovepie84

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

@_davidlucas_

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

@averagegrades

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

@joeljeffrey

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@WheelTod

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

@Sanbel11

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

@david8hughes

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

@Bob_Janke

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle