They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.