They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.


[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.


whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project


My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.


If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.


Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”


My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.


I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.


toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking


*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle