@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

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@IamJackBoot

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

@KelFocker

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

@crunchenhanced

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

@huntigula

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

@Baxterbix

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

@RadWizzy

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@dumbbeezie

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

@reesespiece_

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you