They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
How wrong was this guy?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges