they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Many hands make light work
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.