They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!