They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion