They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien


“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods


I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.


Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.


Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.


Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies


when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak


“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?


7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”