My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
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I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.