They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
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Covid like
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.