@kelkulus

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

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@lovemydogduck

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

@SteveSuckington

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

@iwearaonesie

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

@FScottFitzJesse

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

@ms_woodsy

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@MomofTeen

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

@thisjason

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.