They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You Might Also Like
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Animal poetry
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Born to be mild.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.