They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.



i havent decided yet


i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter


i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent


When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.


Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad


My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?


sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much


Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack


Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.