they split up moments later
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airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
PER MY LAST EMAIL
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.