they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
You Might Also Like
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”