@ahamedweinberg The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
@maxverygoodboy They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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@ahamedweinberg 
@DannyZuker If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
@Pumpkinbabypie No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
@juicymorsel Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
@tinyelvisbkwd Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
@ninatreemonkey The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
@TylerLinkin The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
@popartcartoonz Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
@dafloydsta HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
@Laser_Cat I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”