They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower


If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.


No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.


Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.


Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.


The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs


The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.


Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.


HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here


I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”