They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
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me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle