They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good