Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.