They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

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Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail


*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home


Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message


I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!


Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.


Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.


Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.


Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE


Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.