They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
You can’t rush stupid.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.