‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.