They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco