They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
WHY?!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.