@SwartyComedy

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

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@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

@QueenVofCoffee

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

@cepheusjackson

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

@DurtMcHurtt

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

@iamburtjarvis

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@XplodingUnicorn

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

@va_cc11

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@Prof_Hinkley

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish