They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.