They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.