They’re called werewolves.
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*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Always…
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.