“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.