Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

opening a flower shop called women in stem

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

FRED: right

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race