“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
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February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak