They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?