They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Everyone’s family
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.