@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

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@nellyweather

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

@Dani_Feld

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

@GuyThe_Guy

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

@nickeldoodle

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

@iAmDelFreaky

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

@DudeMass

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

@NYC_Blonde

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

@badbanana

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.