“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
You Might Also Like
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.