@nellyweather “What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
@Lisa_Laughs_ They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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@nellyweather 
@Dani_Feld Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
@GuyThe_Guy I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
@nickeldoodle Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
@SexyInsomniac Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
@iAmDelFreaky In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
@LurkAtHomeMom Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
@DudeMass According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
@NYC_Blonde If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
@badbanana One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.