@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

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@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@losdrogas

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

@CatherineLMK

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

@CandyEmpires4

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

@NotKarma

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

@MrFornicator

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.