@SadPeruna If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
@WilliamAder They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
You Might Also Like
@SadPeruna 
@CumberdickB Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
@RandomRamblr I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
@rad_milk when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
@WilliamAder My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
@DomesticGoddss Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
@Vice_Queen The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
@envydatropic It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
@UncleDuke1969 I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
@farouq_yahaya My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident