@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

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@SadPeruna

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

@CumberdickB

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

@RandomRamblr

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

@rad_milk

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

@DomesticGoddss

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

@Vice_Queen

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

@farouq_yahaya

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident