They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings