They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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584.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.