Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

having children is a pyramid scheme.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me