THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️