Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

🤭😂

wishing you and yours all the best

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom