They’re really bad with fonts.
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.