They’re really bad with fonts.
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it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
oh my gosh!!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?