They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.