Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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All generalizations are stupid.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Pandas 🐼🖤
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.