Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
sugar glider wrangler
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.