Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Golf would be better with landmines.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

i did the math

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth