things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
We need to put an American base on the sun
accurate
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: