Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?