things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
🏙👨🏼
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
This could be us… but you playing
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it