Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Bread puns are on the rise!
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing