Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Bike is short for Bichael.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs