Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be