@lloydrang

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

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@JasonNotEvil

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

@chuuew

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

@marinaforhire

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

@AngryRaccoon2

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

@ktmcburr

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@MooseAllain

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

@Paxochka

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

@sarcasticmommy4

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.