@lloydrang

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

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@zai_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@heatherlou_

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

@jjhartinger

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@withanewname

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

@maziibe_

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

@pplwtching

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.