Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2


[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic


Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.


In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.


“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.


Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.


Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.


My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.


I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.


Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.