things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”