Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
You Might Also Like
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
This is a true ally.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.