Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

You Might Also Like


Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?


[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon


For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”


[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”


Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”


[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.


[2015 Bird Awards]


(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)