Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.