Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
The French word for sex is croissant.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*