Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Life is a suicide mission.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.