@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

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@AbbyHasIssues

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@smerobin

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

@longwall26

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

@ThisLocalHater

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

@ABurgerADay

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to