Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
O Wise One….
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
lol
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss